I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
