I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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