my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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