Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
