Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
