Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
