her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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