I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
