this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
