I have demons in me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
