i barfeds in our rink
You smell like stripper and shame
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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