I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
