oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
