The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
