to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
