I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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