You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize