You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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