i just had sex bonerless
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize