someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You may now shotgun with the bride
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
