You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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