I wish I could teleport
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
