Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
