Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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