FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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