I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
