It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
