I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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