Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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