So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
