i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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