Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
