On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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