i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
