So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
