mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
