Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
