3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize