There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
