Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
