So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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