hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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