i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
