and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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