if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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