I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
