i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sext me about skeletons
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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