halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
