just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
