I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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