So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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