The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
