smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
