I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
