i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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