Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
