somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
