I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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